Limerence (Romantic Obsession) Phase 5: Deterioration and How It Ends

Limerence is a fever dream obsession packaged as “true love.” It pulls you into madness, convincing you that your entire happiness hinges on one person. But how do you wake from the illusion?

The Forever Trap

The biggest lie limerence tells you is: "They're your only chance at happiness." It's an intoxicating delusion. I've felt it. Convinced beyond reason that I'd love them forever, that no one else could ever matter more, but it never lasts forever.

Dorothy Tennov, who coined "limerence," found these intense episodes typically last about 1.5 to 3 years. Yet, in the grip of limerence, forever feels plausible.

For my most recent episode, I was convinced for 4 years that without this one specific person, I'd never truly be happy and that loving anyone else would be a betrayal of the purity/sincerity of my love. Spoiler alert: I was wrong. But after years of longing for this person, it felt like it would never end. It felt like a beautiful curse.

Why does it feel like it will last forever? Because limerence distorts reality. It’s not love; it’s projection. You cast your unmet needs for love, purpose, and identity onto another person and call it fate. Like Éponine and Cosette, you build a castle in the clouds. Like Éponine, you ache for someone who doesn’t see you. Like Cosette, you build a fairy-tale future around someone you’ve barely begun to know. When someone attractive comes along, you believe it was always them who was meant to live in that castle with you.

When the fantasy collapses and the relationship fails to live up to impossible expectations, emotionally underdeveloped people find themselves paralyzed. They don’t know how to give themselves closure, because their entire identity has become entangled with the dream. They don’t know how to imagine a new future. They don’t know who they are without the overwhelming emotions tied to their limerent object.

As the illusion begins to shatter, the emotional volatility spikes. Limerent individuals, consumed by fear, grief, and desperation, say and do things that, from the outside, seem irrational or unhinged. It’s not because they’re inherently unstable. It’s because limerence hijacks the emotional brain and turns rejection and unrequited love into a catastrophe.

• Send dozens of texts, emails, or DMs even after being asked for space. (e.g. “I know you don’t love me, but I’ll wait for you forever,” “You’re my soulmate, can’t you see that??”)

• Call repeatedly, even late at night, under the pretense of “just wanting closure.”

• Make burner accounts or use friends’ phones to get around being blocked.

• Drive by their house or workplace “just to feel close.”

• Ask mutual friends for updates on their LO’s status or new relationships

• Monitor their social media obsessively, overanalyzing every like, comment, and story

• Show up unannounced to their house or work with gifts, letters, or emotional confessions

• Book surprise trips or propose even after the break-up

• Threaten to harm themselves if the person doesn’t respond or stay

• Move states or countries to follow their LO, hoping that they’ll get back together (if they were ever even together in the first place)

Limerence is maddening and I personally know people or their exes who did each one of these things. If they have close friends or family around, they’ll often say, “I’ve never seen them acting like this before.”

And when the end of the relationship inevitably comes, it brings not just heartbreak, but shame. A shame so heavy it convinces them they’re even less worthy of love than before. That pain often fuels a dangerous cycle: If even this wonderful person couldn’t love me completely, then no one else is ever going to love me either. Then, they double down, trying even harder to win back the person’s love.

Here's what I've learned: closure isn’t something you’re given by someone else, it’s something you choose to do for yourself. Emotional maturity means rewriting the narrative. It means finding a new purpose and dream for your life, not one that depends on being loved by them, but one that’s anchored in self-understanding. Because the truth is, limerence is never really about the other person. It’s about what you are projecting—your emotions, your hopes, your wounds, your love, your passion.

I’ve seen this pattern again and again. Some people are serial limerents and they use limerence as the sail for their life. They make themselves love-drunk just to survive the monotony of life. They often keep an object that reminds them of their obsession on their desk to remind themselves why they are trying so hard and suffering so much. Limerence becomes a substitute for meaning. But there’s a better way. One that doesn’t require you to lose yourself just to feel alive.

Why Passion Isn't Enough

Limerence doesn’t last forever. On average, it fades within 18 months. Biologically, that makes sense. Those powerful neurochemicals weren’t designed to sustain a lifetime of obsession; they were meant to spark connection, fuel bonding, and from an evolutionary standpoint, encourage reproduction. After that, nature expects us to pivot from infatuation to stability, from fantasy to partnership, from intensity to responsibility.

Limerence was never meant to take over your life. If people stayed in that heightened, love-drunk state indefinitely, they wouldn’t be able to function—let alone build a meaningful or productive life. The irrationality of limerence may bring two people together, but it can’t keep them there. It thrives on projection, intensity, and unrealistic ideals and is not the grounded reality that long-term love requires.

Once the magic fades, reality rushes in. You start questioning everything:

• "Why don’t I love them anymore?"

• "Was our true love connection ever real?"

• "Have they changed, or have I just opened my eyes?"

What Is Limerence Deterioration?

Limerence deterioration is the moment when the rose-colored glasses start to slip. For couples, this often looks like the end of the honeymoon phase. But for those caught in unrequited limerence, it’s the slow, sometimes painful, realization that the person you obsessed over isn’t who you imagined them to be.

Suddenly, they don’t seem as beautiful or sexy or magnetic as they once did. Their quirks start to feel more irritating than endearing. You begin to see their flaws not as forgivable imperfections, but as signs that they may not be what your soul truly needs after all. Yes, they might still be unique. But they’re no longer everything.

This process typically unfolds in one of four ways:

1. Time breaks the spell.

   As months pass (usually 18 to 36), the hormonal intensity naturally fades. The neurochemical cocktail that fueled the obsession starts to wear off.

2. Limerence transfers to someone else.

   A new person enters the picture, someone more available or desirable, so the fixation shifts.

3. Reciprocation leads to a genuine relationship.

   The limerent object returns the feelings, and the relationship transitions into something deeper and more stable. Idealization gives way to true intimacy.

4. The illusion gets shattered.

   The limerent object does something wildly inconsistent with the fantasy you’ve created, something so jarring it breaks the spell.

   (For example: Robert Pattinson once took an obsessed fan to dinner, complained about his life the entire time, and bored her so much that she never came back. i.e. he wasn’t actually Edward Cullen)
   https://faroutmagazine.co.uk/crazy-way-robert-pattinson-dealt-with-obsessed-fan)

Rose and Jack: Love Frozen in Time

There are rare cases where the deterioration phase never arrives, typically because the fantasy is never disrupted. Take Titanic, for example. Rose and Jack never had to face the sobering reality of daily life together. Jack’s tragic death preserved their whirlwind romance in a state of eternal perfection, sealed in Rose’s memories, untouched by poverty, boredom, or the grind of real partnership. Would their love have survived homelessness, hardship and family ostracization? Probably not.

That’s why romance movies end at the first kiss, the reunion, or the wedding before reality has a chance to settle in. The fantasy remains intact and that’s what we as viewers want. We don’t want reality. We want fantasy.

In real life, some people get stuck in limerence for the same reason Rose did: they never get closure. They’re ghosted, left on read, or the relationship ends before the illusion is ever challenged. Their idealized version of the person remains frozen in time—never corrected, never tested. And so, the fantasy lives on in their hearts and minds, long after the connection has died.

For Dante Alighieri, his limerence for Beatrice was frozen because she tragically died and he kept feeding his deification of Beatrice through his art.
https://preraphaelitesisterhood.com/the-unrequited-love-of-dante-and-beatrice

Choosing Reality Over Fantasy

Limerence feels like love, but it’s really a mirror to yourself. You see your wounds, your hunger for meaning, your forgotten dreams, all dressed up in the illusion of them and what you guys could be.

But here’s the truth that saved me: you don’t need to be chosen to be worthy.

You don’t need to chase someone to prove that you’re lovable.

You don’t need to suffer to feel alive.

You don’t need another person to give your life significance.

Closure doesn’t come from them. It comes from you. It’s not easy. But it’s how you reclaim your power, your story, your future.

Real love isn’t built in the clouds. It’s built in the present, with two people choosing each other not because they need saving, but because they want to grow together.

The person who awakens you isn’t always the one meant to walk beside you.

If you’re struggling, know this: You're not alone, and healing is possible. You deserve more than obsession. Real, sustainable love awaits on the other side of illusion.

Need support? Reach out. The chat is always open.

To learn more about limerence, start here:

Limerence (Romantic Obsession): Intro